im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You took a bar mat shot.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
