Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
