just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
