Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
