I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
