3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
