The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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