a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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