I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
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Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize