Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
