I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.