My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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