you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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