I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
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I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
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To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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