is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
