either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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