a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
