someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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