I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
