how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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