please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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