I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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