someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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