woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
