I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
