This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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