I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
