Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
