I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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