Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
