She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
