Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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