God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
