i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs