Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?