nut hugger
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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