Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
