me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
