I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
