woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
