Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
