Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
