That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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