My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
