this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
