That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I AM VODKA MAN
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
