Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
