My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
