dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
