he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
