Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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