She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
