so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
