If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
