i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
