Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
