Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
