Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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