Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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