Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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