A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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