I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
