Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
