Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
