I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
